Confessions of an Adoptive Mom

Sitting down to write this is difficult

I have always loved to write.  I have probably held over five blogs in the past five years about teaching, married life, pregnancy, my daughter, and technology.  But this is hard to write about because it is so very real.  It isn’t the sugarcoated version of my life; it is raw and emotional… it is adoption.

Let’s start at the very beginning…

My parents are amazing.  When my sister and I had grown up and moved away they began their adoption journey.  They have opened their hearts (and mine) to four beautiful girls from China.  My family went from average to extra large in a few short years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My husband and I met just before my first sister was brought home from China.  He was just as much a part of every adoption as I was.  We knew that someday we would be married and that we would adopt too.

Fast forward…

My husband and I had planned our lives out pretty much entirely.  We are that couple… or at least we were.  In my final month of pregnancy with my daughter we were driving to visit my parents. 

“Where do you see us in five years?  What is one thing we said we would do that we probably won’t?”

My husband likes to have these types of conversations every so often.  I cringed at my answer.  I didn’t even want to really say it.

“I know we have always talked about adopting later, but I just don’t see it.”

We had bought into a lifestyle that was depicted by where we lived.  Two kids, two cars, two incomes, too much!  We were both thriving in our careers, had just bought our first house, and were expecting our first child.  I knew adoption was expensive, time-consuming, and emotional.  It didn’t seem to fit this lifestyle we had purchased.

“I feel the same way,” was my husband’s response. 

That is when we realized that our lifestyle was not in line with what God had called us to do.  We felt very strongly that calling to adopt, and we were letting the life we had made get in the way.  We made a promise right then and there that our next child would join our family through adoption.  It wasn’t the plan, but it was our calling.

Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39

Slowing it down …

Things moved fairly fast after that.  Our daughter was born and it was the greatest joy we had experienced.  We kept trying to push the adoption back.  We told ourselves we would start the process when she was a year old because of finances, closeness in age, and overall fear of the unknowns.  But God kept pushing and knocking.  So we let Him in on His timing.  We let Him provide.  When our daughter was four months old we began the process of adopting from South Korea… and it is a process! 

Paperwork, a home study, fingerprints, doctor appointments, financial statements, notarized everything, employment verification… basically everything in your life is put into words to show that you are a capable, loving family.  Then everything stops… and you wait … and you pray … and then one day you receive a call that you are matched with a child.  It is like finding out you are pregnant all over again, but you get to see your child’s picture on that day!  We saw our son’s photo for the first time on October 11, 2013 when he was seven months old. 

 

But the most difficult part is that every time you receive news about your child or your case you “hurry up and wait”.  I recall receiving instructions from our agency to quickly complete what had to be one hundred pages of adoption paperwork, racing around to various government offices that week, and sending paperwork back just to sit and wait for nine more months before we received any new instructions.  Yes, nine months of silence. 

Grieving…

We have been in the process of adopting for twenty-two months.  We have had our son’s picture for thirteen months.  I have watched friends have biological children in that time, I have seen other’s adoptions move at lightning speed, I have sat and questioned why our son’s process must take so much longer.  I have seen my faith tested month after month with no word.  I have wiped tears from my eyes day after day for weeks at a time.  I have seen my marriage have ups and downs because these are new waters for us.  I have felt insane jealousy like none other that made me feel weak.  I have felt absent and distant from God because I didn’t hear Him anymore… all I heard was the empty silence that no news brings when you are adopting.

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“Having waited long and endured patiently {she} realized and obtained what God had promised” Hebrews 6:15

 

Listening…

But I realized rather suddenly (and after a complete melt down one day) that God’s silence was really his patience with me.  He was waiting for me to listen so that I would hear Him.  He was teaching me and leading me back to Him.  He has the best intentions for my son.  He has the best intentions for our family.  He has the best intentions for me.  He will bring our son home.  It may not be in my time, but it will be in His.  We are so close.  We are now waiting on our travel call to meet our son for the first time.  And even though we have prayed that he will be home before Christmas day after day, month after month with no realistic possibility of that in sight, we remember that God is greater.  He can move mountains.  He can perform miracles.  Whether our prayer is answered or not, we will faithfully pray until our son is in our arms… forever.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:31

 

Ellie and James…

I began Ellie and James as a way to help fund our adoption.  Once we let God in, He radically changed our lifestyle.  We moved closer to family.  I am now a stay-at-home-mom.  We don’t feel the pressures of the lifestyle we had before to act, look, or be a certain way.  We seek to imitate God rather than others.  The necklaces I create are intended to tell your story.  From Bible verses to custom orders, I want my designs to represent you.  I am so blessed to have the opportunity to meet each of my customers.  I have heard stories that touch me, encourage me, and leave me praising God because He is good!

 

Meghan Benson is an adoptive mama surviving each waiting day with God’s love and grace.  With one toddler at home and another toddler on the way, she is learning the art of patience in everything.

 

Shop: www.ellieandjames.com

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Instagram: @ellieandjames and @BringJamesonHomeAuction (11/23-11/24)

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