On the long, tiresome, desert days of motherhood, my mind begins to drift. In my broken humanness, I begin to wonder if we didn’t rush things along. My husband and I married just a short nine months after we met, and just one year later, we found out we were expecting. If that was not enough of a whirlwind, when our baby girl was thirteen months old, we found out we were expecting baby number two.
So, my friend, you understand I am little more than tired these days. In the throes of two toddlers, sometimes I look longingly at the lives of our friends who are pursuing grand careers, buying homes, and sleeping at night and wonder did we rush things along?
Please don’t misunderstand my heart. My children are my world. They are dearly loved and cherished. Next to my love for Jesus, there is not a thing on this earth that could rival my love for them. Yet, in the weary times; amidst the tantrums, and the skipping wedding anniversary dates because a little one has a fever, and the explaining for the umpteenth time why we do not hit our sister, I just wonder: What if life had taken a different path?
Guiltily, I have dealt with these questions during dark nights of the soul. It is so hard to explain to another: the not wanting to give up, but just longing for a shower and a good nights sleep. The wondering of what life would look like if we had two incomes, instead of being a unpaid, overworked caretaker of littles. Wondering what my career would look like; as I would have the time to pursue my dreams, rather than working during the wee hours of the morning; furiously typing away while the little ones sleep. Wondering what it would be like to have alone time with my husband.
But then Jesus’ sweet grace ushers in. He walks in the room, and His presence is felt as the littlest one curls up on my chest and falls asleep. Her heart beats right next to mine, while I breathe in the last bits of her baby-hood. Grace overwhelms me, as I hear my oldest one say to me I’m not afraid, Mommy, because Jesus is in my heart. I feel Jesus on the move as I recognize the fierceness in both of my daughters eyes; the strong will, the raw and beautiful courage that will refuse to leave the world unchanged by Jesus’ love.
Grace unearths my wandering heart and binds me to thee. Suddenly, I am strikingly aware that none of this was untimely. These precious hearts that have been entrusted to my husband and I, and they are here for such a time as this. MY HEART is here, where it should be, for such a time as this.
So, we continue the giving up of date nights, while we cool fevers. We budget, budget, and budget some more while we live on one income. And we pray.
Father, your kingdom come in the hearts of these beautiful little girls. And your kingdom come in us.