Mom life: Messy. Fun. Wet. Adventurous. Smelly. Exciting. Busy. Exhausting. Exhilarating. Scary. Challenging. This life is chaotic and wonderful, peaceful and breathtakingly beautiful. Isn’t it everything you hoped it would be and nothing you thought it could be?
I craved this life since I was a child and endured four long years of infertility, failed fertility treatments and adoptions before I got it. The month our last adoption attempt failed, I finally accepted the idea that just maybe God intended our family to consist of only a husband and a wife. And, I was finally at peace with that.
A few weeks after I surrendered my dream, I found out I was pregnant and a couple of weeks later saw two little beating baby hearts on an ultrasound monitor. God’s timing was perfect! To say I was blown away by His faithfulness and grace is an understatement. I look at them and tears flow; they are tangible expressions of God’s faithfulness to me. For so long, my emotions yo-yo’d between some good news and a whole lot of bad news – it’s almost as if I’ve been waiting for something to go wrong. For the first time in forever (...wait, did you just sing that Frozen tune like I just did? Eeek!!!), I hadn’t been disappointed about expanding our family. And, did I mention my two little surprises were girls? SWOON!
Fast forward through a wonderful pregnancy with excellent monthly/bimonthly/weekly reports for the babies and myself. Things were wonderful and I was very proud that my doctor was “so proud” that I was doing so well. I hit 32 weeks without any issues; I was still wearing heels on Sundays and working full time. I (thought I) was on the fast track to reaching our 36/37 week goal with no issues and I was thankful things were going so well.
Well, at 33 weeks, one of the babies wasn’t moving during an ultrasound and I landed in the hospital for overnight observation that ended up being a 12 day (total) stay. The two week visit was highlighted by my girls’ cesarean delivery the next week. Not my plan at all. What also wasn’t a part of my plan was the kidney infection, random higher than high blood pressure that led to pre-eclampsia and about 7-10 lbs. of fluid weight gain, my girls spending 13 and 14 days in NICU, and leaving the hospital with about 5 different prescriptions. Top that off with my girls, Logan and Rhyann, both coming down with jaundice. Logan’s bili level so high she was just about at the threshold to cause concern for possible brain damage and blood transfusions. Scariest moment in life. Thank God they are both healthy with no ill effects after a couple of days of intense photo-therapy!
The girls were discharged from NICU on December 31st and January 1st and I’m so grateful to start the new year with both of our girls together at home. For now, we’re hanging out at home, eating and growing lots. Although breast feeding hasn’t gone quite the way I’d prefer for it to go, there’s no ending to the gratitude I feel for the fact that they’re still growing and doing well. Even in the whirlwind the last half of December was, I’m so grateful everything ended well.
This journey has been one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to endure. It was so very long and heartbreaking, but because of the difficulties I was blessed to develop a relationship with God that allowed me to learn his character and to trust Him to be exactly who He says he is. I’m not sure if I’d had learned such a lesson without the difficulty.
Our God is so very faithful and so graciously writes us in these beautiful stories that glorify Him to the fullest. These stories tell that we aren’t alone in this life, they encourage the faith of others, and share the Good News of Christ with those who may not know Him.
Sometimes it feels like the way things are is the way they’ll always be and chaos won’t stop knocking down your door. But, I challenge you to see your difficulties with a new perspective… will you try to trust the Word when it says to count our sufferings with joy because it perfects our faith even when we feel broken and are exhausted? That dependence on The Lord draws us closer to Him. That vulnerability gives us the opportunity to lean on God in ways we hadn’t before, to worship, and mature in our faith. Doesn’t that make it all worth it even though it’s never fun and feels yucky? The work that cleanses our hearts and prepares us for the future is worth all of the trouble. Promise.
Even when so many things happen in life that aren’t a part of our plan and go seemingly horribly wrong, we can take true comfort in knowing that we aren’t ever alone. The Word tells us that there will be trouble in this life, but we are also named over-comers and friends of God. We are to trust, never fear, and pray constantly. We are promised to be made righteous by a God who will never forsake us and can do more than we can dream of. And, I promise you that He will…. My girls are proof of that!
Let’s begin the new year believing with a boldness and a renewed fervor to trust God mightily. Can we do that together?