Fear

As I write this I am sitting in a hospital room with my daughter, the 4th hospital stay since October, for the same breathing issues.

I have walked through all the emotions since I realized yesterday we would end up back at the emergency room…

I was angry that all the times we have been to the hospital we have only been treated and never diagnosed, I cursed at my husband and raged through the house packing hospital overnight bags because I knew we would be admitted, I knew we would stay several days, I knew there would be more questions than answers and I was ANGRY.

Once at the emergency room my daughter’s condition took a terrible turn.  Her whole body shook with the effort that every breath was taking and she could not even find air enough to speak.  The nurses and doctors had her on oxygen and steroid treatments and nothing seemed to be making her better.  I began to feel desperate.  I was begging nurses to help her, to make her feel better, to help her small body take in the air it needed.  I was begging friends to pray on her behalf.  I was begging God to open her air ways, I was DESPERATE.

Around midnight, her airways opened.  I felt her body relax against mine and I have never felt so thankful.  We were still in the woods, her breathing was still shallow and hard and there were still no answers, but for the first time all day I felt hope.  I felt thankful that we lived in a place where I could get my daughter help, I was thankful for friends that I knew where praying, thankful for doctors and nurses as determined to find answers as I was.  I felt HOPE and THANKFULNESS.

In the end, hope and thankfulness won the day, prayers from our community left me with the peace of God and a thankfulness that replaced anger and frustration.

As mamas, when we feel like something {or someone} might be a threat to the well-being of our babies, we go all mama bear letting ourselves act out in anger and frustration where really we feel fear.  We feel the deep truth that really we are not in control, and we lash out.

I am so glad that last night brought me all the way around, out of my fear and into hope.

I don’t know about you, but when fear is creeping in, when I feel angry and frustrated, I do not make “sound mind” decisions.  I yell at people who don’t deserve it, I make decisions harder than they have to be, I cry if you look at me crossways.  I am my own worst enemy and that bleeds over onto the child I am trying to protect.

So mama bear, I know you, I know that your anger and frustration is coming from a place of fear, from a place where you know you have no control.  Look up sister, ask for help, remember that it is God who is in control and He loves your little one more than you can fathom.  Ask Him for His peace and He will grant it, if you are too weak to ask let your friends do it for you, He will answer.

Love your hope-filled sister, Amber

Amber is the founder of Beautiful & Beloved and Reveal Ministry.  She would love to connect with other mamas @ambervnewberry on Instagram or twitter. 

PROVERBS 31:28

PROVERBS 31:28

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