Sometimes when I write in this space, I am inspired, and filled with wisdom I've been taught and want to share. And sometimes...I come with more questions than answers.
But isn't that just like motherhood?
Sometimes I have a thousand things I want to pass on to my kids -- things to tell them, teach them, show them. And sometimes...I stare at them, slack-jawed, in awe of how very little I seem to know. About anything.
Kids have a way of doing that to you. Some of it is funny, with their crazy questions you never even thought you'd need to answer: "Mama, do worms have belly buttons? No? How come?"
But some of it is deep, and isn't even asked aloud. These are the questions kids inspire inside your mind and heart, which usually sounds like "Am I doing this right?" or "How in the world are we going to get through this? And what about what comes next?"
Those are the biggies; but if I think about it, I ask myself a million questions throughout the day:
"When's the last time they had a bath?"
"Donuts have to have some nutrition in them, right?"
"Should we sign her up for a sport?"
"Is having them share a room really a good idea?"
“Why oh WHY are there no matching socks?”
We mamas have to make countless choices, and answer tons of questions each day, and while a lot of them are little, and can seem inconsequential, they do add up to one giant question:"Am I doing a good job?"
We all want to do right by our kids, but in the end, we're also all rookies just muddling through this the best we can. With your first baby, everything is an experiment. Trial and error (and error and error). But even with the second and the third, I still feel like a novice. Yes, I may have gotten through the newborn stage before, but that seems impossibly long ago now. And while the tasks that come with each stage might be familiar, each time is my first time with this baby, with these quirks, and these needs; so, in a way, it's all brand new, every time and every day.
So when my kids stare up at me with big eyes, and ask endless variations of: "Mama, why...how come...where do...when will...what if..." I'll do my best to answer them. Even if that means making something up ("No, worms don't have belly buttons, just one more reason they'd look a little silly in bathing suits"). And when I stare at myself in the mirror, wrestling with endless variations of "Am I good enough?", I will try to remember that having all of the answers isn't the measure of success as a parent. It's being willing to be questioned, and open to asking questions, leaning on the Lord to guide our steps.
Courtney is the mom to two, with one on the way -- which means the most commonly asked question her house is right now is "But how does the baby get out of your belly?" Connect with Courtney on her blog, Bowdenisms, or on Instagram.